Fat Rophy has his opinions…
(but they don’t reflect other opinions on this website)
Sunday 15th September 2024
Windup & Eton
I’m beginning to realise that Jason Anonymous isn’t a royalist or a great fan of Tory MPs (or former Tory MPs). In Review 116, we questioned how the Royal Family would allow a team with an ampersand in its name, called Windsor & Eton. Jason points out that many of our less lovable politicians also went to Eton and questions why this was not mentioned. Jason argues that the ampersand is justified in this case. “Put them all on a boat and send them out to sea without a compass”, he suggests. Do they still use compasses to guide ships?
Thursday 12th September 2024
The Letchworth lecture
DarloFan is often kind enough to send short messages showing appreciation for the latest issue of the Non-League Review. In recent weeks, we’ve had “another great review” and “laughed from start to finish”. So, when we upset someone like DarloFan, it’s important to put things right. In Review 115 we promised to feature Letchworth Garden City Eagles in the next edition. I have no idea why DarloFan was looking forward to this so much, but we have upset a good customer. “Where the hell is the Letchworth Eagles feature?” we are not unreasonably asked. We are quite clear that Review 118 will have to put this right. Many apologies, DarloFan, even though I am curious why a Darlington fan (presumably) has an interest in Letchworth Garden City Eagles.
Monday 2nd September 2024
Bunch of crooks
A reader who supports Crook Town wrote to us this week, complaining that we should feature the club from time to time. “We scored one of the best-headed goals you’ll ever see”, and, what’s more, the club is having a great start to the season. The reader signs off with “Watch us fly”.
Sunday 1st September 2024
Sileby ‘bollocks’
Jason Anonymous wrote to us this week and declared that the name of Northampton Sileby Rangers had nothing to do with animals. However, he had his only level of confusion by suggesting that the name comes from the town of Sileby in Leicestershire. That’s presumably Leicestershire in Northamptonshire. OK, so the truth is that Sileby stands for Super Ingenious League of Eccentric Ball Yodellers. The matter is now closed.
Monday 26th August 2024
A bit of a dork
An irate fan of Dorking Wanderers wrote some damning comments about last week’s reporting of the colour-clash at the Truro City-Dorking Wanderers clash in the National League South (See Review 113). Rather than reproduce the letter in full, maybe you will get the gist of the letter if I give you every eleventh word. City Cornish wankers obvious ref bluntly fans inconsiderate never Truro right. Or to summarise: not our fault.
Wednesday 21st August 2024
Fats is back
Fat Rophy is back from his summer holidays and ready for in-depth investigations into anything to do with Non-League football. The mailbag is full of your kind comments saying how much you miss me, but I don’t have time to mention all my fans and well-wishers. Except for one. Millie of Colchester asks that if I could have more to say about her ‘beloved Colchester United’. Well, we hope to oblige next season, but Colchester will have to go one better than last season and finish 23rd or 24th in League Two to make it into Non-League football. Fingers crossed, Millie.
Tuesday 23rd April 2024
Hot pants
Jason Anonymous wins the title for the fastest email following the publication of a Weekly Review. He writes, “Those slacks (actually, they are trousers) are black, not navy blue”. I consulted the Beer Albion website, and they definitely wear pale (ale) blue and dark (ale) blue. As for the slacks vs trousers debate, ChatGPT (whereas should check?) describes slacks as less formal, lighter material and looser. Maybe, you have a point, Jason. Anyway, this topic is pants.
Friday 12th April 2024
Boring old fart
A reader who calls himself a boring old fart liked the piece in Review 108 about teams with funny names. Bishops Itchington was good but Llantwit Major was ‘very Monty Python’ or, indeed, ‘very Fawlty Towers’, according to the boring old fart. Perhaps, this is why he was so keen to tell us that in Norway there is a team called FL Fart. he even signed off with ‘Yours fartingly’. Thank you for your contribution Major Llantwit.
Friday 12th April 2024
Someone sphinx they know better
In Review 108, we reported that Coventry City is Coventry’s premier club, with Coventry United as the third Coventry club behind Coventry Sphinx. Mr Tornado (surely not his real name) thinks otherwise. Coventry City are ‘crap and vile’, while Coventry Sphinx are the premier team in Coventry, Mr Tornado tells us. Mr Tornado will be sweating on the last games of the season as Sphinx try to avoid relegation from the Northern Premier League Midlands Division.
Friday 5th April 2024
Pair of socks
Jason Anonymous was quick to point out that the ‘pulling up their socks’ pun in last week’s review after Teversal lost to Mansfield Hosiery Mills is a repeat of a joke in a previous issue. I’m just wondering what has taken Jason so long. These reviews are on a 20-issue cycle. Same old jokes every week, mate.
Friday 29th March 2024
Virgin on the ridiculous
Ken from Manchester congratulated us on branching out to international football when reporting on the Zambia v Zimbabwe game and British Virgin Islands v US Virgin Islands in last week’s issue. Ken asked that there is an in-depth review of the second leg of the Virgin Islands derby in this week’s review. At a great expense, we sent a young reporter there, but he’s met a local lady and lost his virginity. As he didn’t send a report back, we can’t tell you more than the fact that the result was a 0-0 draw, with the British Virgin Islands winning 4-2 on penalties. We will stick with following the BVI, though, Ken.
Thursday 28th March 2024
Back to school
Jason Anonymous swiftly complained about the headline used in Review 106, ‘School of Wales’. “It’s not a school of whales,” he explained. “It’s a common mistake, but it’s a pod.” Did you miss the reference to the podcast, Jason? What’s the collective noun for a bunch of anonymous people?
Saturday 23rd March 2024
No rearrangements
When there’s a cock-up, Fat Rophy is always ready to plead guilty. Indeed, in Review 103, there was an anagram contest with the answers due to appear in Review 104. It’s right to admit they didn’t. Saintsfan2306 brought this oversight to Fat Rophy’s attention, partly because he or she couldn’t work out one of the answers – we’re not sure which one. So, here are the answers belatedly.
- Own evil toy – Yeovil Town
- How men pinch Pat – Chippenham Town
- Deal, the victor – Dover Athletic (I liked this one)
- Send a towel – Wealdstone
Saintsfan2306, we are keen to know which Saints you support, so let us know. And here’s one more anagram for you. We won’t be giving the answer to this one, though.
Bins catalyst.
Friday 22nd March 2024
Itching to leave
We’re grateful to Ken, a Hitchin Town supporter, who wanted to put some balance to the story about Mark Burke in the last review. Ken tells us that after a terrible run of results, it was time for Mark to leave. He had made his mark on the club, but in the wrong way this season. Hitchin Town face fellow strugglers Berkhamsted on Easter Monday, which Ken describes as ‘a monumental game’.
Saturday 9th March 2024
Pit humour
I thought it had been too long without an email from Jason Anonymous. He berated us for using repeated jokes about Colliery Workers’ teams – shafted, digging deeper, and seams seemed like old jokes, he claimed (I assume he means ‘seamed’ like old jokes). However, he liked the reference to Heaton Stannington, which reminded him of a public school twat (his words, not mine) he met when he was at Uni. You went to Uni, Jason? There are so many spelling errors in your emails, too.
Friday 8th March 2024
Cornish clotted cream
An irate person from Cornwall found the Twitter pic about Truro City playing at Morpeth’s ground very unfunny. “Simply not funny” was the message, followed by “Try harder”. OK, we will. How about playing at John O’Groats.
Sunday 25th February 2024
Gateshead Revisited
A reader asked whether I had ever been to Gateshead. I have indeed, although if the question is related to the football ground, I can’t say that I have been to the International Stadium to see the Heed. “You should come”, I am urged, “First beer is on me”, says our friendly reader. I’ll see if the bigwigs who own The Non League Review will cover my expenses, which sounds like a day of several pints.
Friday 23rd February 2024
Murray Field
The idea of combining two sports obviously got the mind of Jake from Pinner working overtime. He suggested Tennis Rugby or, to use his own words, “Even better, Tennis American Football would be hilarious”. I can’t visualise how that will work, but his second suggestion of Synchronised Marathons leaves me scratching my head.
Monday 12th February 2024
All’s well that Taff’s Well
Taff’s Well were delighted to get a mention in last week’s review. We understand that the damned apostrophe in Taff’s Well is the bane of the social media guru’s life. However, we are none the wiser as to whether there is an apostrophe or not. Wikipedia is unequivocal – there is definitely an apostrophe, whereas booking.com either doesn’t bother with such trivia as an apostrophe or doesn’t think there is one. Hotels.com hedge their bets, though when they offer – Top Hotels Closest to Taffs Well Station in Taff’s Well. Fat Rophy doesn’t really care when it comes down to it. As long as you always put an apostrophe in Bishop’s Stortford, you know you are on safe ground.
Monday 5th February 2024
Con Man
The cancelled (not canceled) flights from the Isle of Man for Kendal Town fans drew more interest than I would have expected. Jason Anonymous pointed out that the accompanying picture must have been from an American airport as cancelled was spelt as ‘canceled’. Another reader who has flown from Ronaldsway Airport on the Isle of Man explained in great detail that the airport definitely does not have terminals C and D with multiple gates. Indeed, imagining there are many gates when there are about ten flights per day was negligent. For clarity, the picture of the swallow in this week’s review was not captured over Heybridge Swifts’ ground or Stourbridge Swifts’ ground.
Monday 29th January 2024
Dodgy reporting
Graham from Grantham, a keen Scunthorpe United fan, wrote to us this week. Graham admitted to being old enough to remember Norman Vaughan but, like Norman, accused Fat Rophy of dodgy reporting. He does not believe that there is a German footballer called Ana Boeing and doubts that Hashtag United is ninth for YouTube subscribers. He also chose to remind me that Scunthorpe United beat Charlton on the last occasion they met. Whilst it’s not uncommon for teams to beat Charlton, this is not true. Charlton won 4-0 when they last met in 2018. So, for me, that was swinging. In the previous game, Scunthorpe did stick five past the hapless Londoners. That was dodgy. As for challenging the Ana Boeing and Hashtag United references, one of these is absolutely true.
Monday 22nd January 2024
Pulling up their socks
It was very decent of Mansfield Hosiery Mills retweeting last week’s Non-League Review, particularly as it focused on their 7-0 defeat away to Dearne & District. A 4-1 home defeat last weekend to Melbourne Dynamo was a step in the right direction, but we’ll cheering for the boys next weekend.
Friday 19th January 2024
100 – hoorah – or not
Jason has asked whether the forthcoming 100th edition of the Non-League Review will be a bumper issue. He also suggests that it could contain the best bits of the previous 99 issues. Sadly, the 100th issue will be more of the same. If anyone thinks Fat Rophy has the slightest intention of reading through 99 issues of drivel, they are clearly mistaken. The 1000th issue will be a special one, though.
Sunday 14th January 2024
Lion Kings
A reader from Wales was disappointed that the reference to Golden Lion last week referred to a club in Martinique. He was rather hoping that it was referring to a team from Penarth with the same name. He wonders if Fat Rophy would have enough clout to arrange a match between the Martinique club that lost 12-0 at Lille and the Penarth-based team. I’ll see what I can do. Would a game against Millwall suffice if I can arrange it?
Friday 12th January 2024
No bullshit
Jason Anonymous is getting more obsessed about cows and cow puns than Fat Rophy, so it seems. Having been critical of the Solihull Moors pun, I have been asked bluntly why Jersey Bulls didn’t get a mention. This has been rectified in Review 97. To question why Spennymoor Town have not got a mention strikes me as jumping on a bandwagon. I do think Jason is milking this situation, but that’s the end of my beef.
Friday 5th January 2024
New Year cheers
It was nice to see that the good folk of Welwyn Garden City appreciated last week’s Non-League Review informing them that Welwyn Garden City contained all the letters of New Year. I guess it had never occurred to many of their fans. We wonder if they realised that an anagram of their wonderful club is Try Acing Newlywed or, indeed, Twin Clergy Yawned. What about Agent Winced Wryly? There are so many. And, yes, I get a lot of spare time over the New Year break.
Friday 5th January 2024
Unhappy punter
Jason Anonymous is a regular correspondent who is usually cheery and upbeat. However, it seems we upset him last week. He admits he enjoys the puns peppered (or did he say ‘littered’) throughout the Weekly Reviews, but last week’s review ‘took the biscuit’ according to Jason. He wonders whether Solihull Moors is the worst cow pun ever. Anyway, I’ve sent Jason two Cadbury’s fingers as an apology.
Monday 1st January 2024
Ear lobe
Fat Rophy checked the New Year’s Honours List, but despite protests from many, he is not on the list this year. It makes one wonder whether those players who cup their ear after scoring should become an Earl and get an OBE, so that they would be an Earlobe. Just a thought.