Easter bonnets
A special award in this post-Easter weekly review. We can announce that Bearsted FC and Teversal FC are the two clubs with the shortest names that contain all the letters of Easter – and, of course, two Es. Bearsted play in the Southern Counties East League Premier Division and are currently just
above midway in the table. Teversal play in the (are ready for this?) Abacus Lighting Central Midlands League Black Dragon Premier South or ALCMLBDPS for short. Don’t confuse this with the Amateur Leprechauns Crafting Magical Limericks and Brewing Disgusting Potions Society. According to Teversal’s website, there is a ‘chairperson availability’. They are near the bottom of the division and will need to pull their socks up after a recent defeat to Mansfield Hosiery Mills. And, so it seems, they need someone to put the chairs out.
FA Vase Online
The Football Association has contacted us and asked us to act as consultants for their new FA Vase Information Service. Having noted our skills at promoting the FA Trophy, they feel we are ideally placed to launch a new FA Vase initiative next season. We’ve agreed on a six-figure deal and can now reveal some of the things you can expect next season. We have decided to call the new online service Vaseline. One of the critical items in the FA’s brief was to reduce friction in the FA with matters relating to the Vase and help to make things run more smoothly. Also, we were asked to find inventive ways to increase the FA Vase’s exposure, and we are confident that Vaseline will bring a new audience from Google searches.
Meanwhile
Last weekend, the first legs of the FA Vase semi-finals were due to take place. The Worcester City v Great Wakering Rovers clash was postponed, but the 
Romford v Lincoln United tie took place, ending 2-2. Romford played with ten men for most of the game, equalising in the dying seconds after Lincoln United took a 90th-minute lead. It’s all to play for next week at Ashby Avenue.
The long and short of it
The clash between Bury Town and Felixstowe & Walton United in the Isthmian North Division meant that the team with the second shortest name in the division faced the team with the longest name in a vital promotion clash. The game attracted over 1200 supporters and ended 3-3. Ramadan appropriately opened the scoring for Bury Town in a thrilling match – we assume he is fast. However, Barley earned his corn for the ampersanded team with two second-half goals to wipe out Bury Town’s 3-1 lead. For clarity, this is Bury Town from Bury St Edmunds (no apostrophes) in Suffolk.
The short and the long of it
While Bury Town faced the team with the long name, the team with the shortest name in the Isthmian North Division, Enfield, faced the team with the second-longest name, Brightlingsea Regent. Regent won resoundingly 4-1. The scorers for Brightlingsea were Oxford, Leicester, Piccadilly, and Seamus O’Hoolihan (known as Soho).
Keeping it healthy
It’s rather late to report this, but earlier in the season, the British Vegan Society sponsored Leek Town’s FA Trophy 3rd Round Qualifying tie away to Quorn. The winners on the day were Quorn by a 4-2 margin. Quorn survived another round before finding meatier opposition in the form of Stafford Rangers, who
ran out 5-3 winners.
Steeton
Let me introduce you to Steeton AFC, a North West Counties League Division One North club. Their nickname is the Chevrons, which is mysterious when they wear green and white hoops on the front of their shirts and plain green on the back. The more you look at their club badge, the scarier it gets. However, they won 4-2 away to Garstang on Saturday, which keeps them comfortably clear of the relegation pack. I need to have a few beers at Steeton’s Marley Stadium soon; there’s nothing like a good night on the tiles in Yorkshire.
Drawing lots (or not)
Much fuss is made about teams that remain undefeated in a season. Similarly, teams that can’t win a game for love or money tend to get unwelcome attention. Less is said about teams that draw a lot of games, but it’s time to 
look at teams that never draw. It’s hard not to like a team nicknamed the Cobbydalers. The team in question is Silsden, which, if you exclude games played on Boxing Day, have not drawn a Northern Counties East Premier Division game all season. Their record is 17 wins, 1 draw and 16 defeats. Sure enough, this week, they beat Penistone Church 4-3, yet another single-goal win to add to their recent run. Steeton and Silsden are less than four miles apart.
Birthday cards
Weymouth fans sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to manager Bobby Wilkinson during the club’s 4-1 win over Havant & Waterlooville in the National League South. However, the day proved to be Bobby’s last as manager, as he left the club by mutual consent after the game. My source failed to tell us whether it was actually Bobby’s birthday, but he certainly got his cards. This all reminds me of a time when I told a band playing at a hotel in Malaysia that it was my wife’s birthday while she was in the loo. As she exited the loo, her name resounded around the bar, and everyone cheered. It wasn’t her birthday, though. I can still remember what she called me as the applause died down.
