At sixes and seven with fours and fives
Lightning never strikes in the same place twice – apparently. Everyone remembers the penalty shoot-out that ended East Fife 4 Forfar Athletic 5 to give us the tongue-twister many had been waiting for. It happened in 2018, but less than five years later, it’s a case of here we go again. The final table for the Scottish League Two has East Fife fourth and Forfar fifth.
Finnish line
Tuesday 9th, May brought together two teams I have been waiting to meet. In the Finnish League, called the Veikkausliiga, Honka met Haka. Niklas Friberg and Anthony Herbert scored the goals for Haka to give the visitors a 2-0 win. Between the two goals, Roman Eremenko was sent off. The Haka keeper kept a clean sheet; his name is appropriately Aatu Hakala. Their league positions after the game are coincidentally Forfarth and East Fifth.
Royal Enfield
We can’t let the season pass without some mention of the Coronation on May 6th. Motorcycle enthusiasts will be familiar with Royal Enfield. However,
An Enfield Town player preparing for the Coronation. Camilla wearing the Enfield Town kit.
there is another Royal Enfield connection. Enfield Town, it would seem, provided the design for Camilla’s outfit at Coronation festivities. Maybe, the Isthmian club should change their nickname from the ETs to the Royals. It seems that one royal did Go Home quite quickly after the event.
Load of balls
The FA Trophy Final will have the usual mix of ball boys around the pitch, helping to ensure that the game keeps moving. Andy Woodman, manager of National League semi-final playoff losers Bromley, was indeed a ball boy at the 1988 FA Trophy Final game between Enfield and Telford United. And, who was Andy’s fellow ball boy that day? None other than the England supremo himself, Gareth Southgate. However, their hard work to get the ball back in play didn’t reap any benefits as the game ended 0-0, with Enfield winning the replay 3-2 at The Hawthorns.
Notts landing
So, Notts County finished four points behind Wrexham, 23 points ahead of third-placed Wrexham and 36 points ahead of Bromley, the lowest of the National League playoff qualifiers. It meant promotion had to come via the playoffs. In theory, Notts County should have coasted to wins over Boreham Wood and the Chesterfield v Bromley winners to take their place in next season’s Football League. As it transpired, County scraped past Boreham Wood, winning 3-2 in extra time, thanks to goals in the dying seconds of normal time and late in extra time. After the final against Chesterfield, the Spireites will face another year in the National League after losing to County on penalties. Fine margins and all that.
Red missed
In a recent Eastern Counties Division One match between Harwich & Parkeston and Holbeach United, Holbeach led 4-2 with two minutes to play. After a
foul, the referee issued a yellow card to a Holbeach player, although the player had his back to the referee as he ran away from the incident. As it was a second yellow, it should have been a red card. After the game, the League’s management committee imposed a longstanding rule that meant the game had to be replayed. As it was an end-of-season game of little consequence, Holbeach chose to forfeit the match, but they were threatened with a £500 fine. The replayed fixture subsequently took place, a round trip of 240 miles for Holbeach. Of course, the result changed from an away win to a draw, all caused by a refereeing error.
Home bankers
Wrexham, Hashtag United, Newton Aycliffe, Brixham, Worksop Town, Chatham Town, Malvern Town, Bemerton Heath, Downham Town, Hamworthy United – all take a bow. These are clubs that managed to preserve an undefeated home record all season. The list is in ascending order of games drawn, with the first four only drawing one game, whereas Hamworthy United drew six times. Unsurprisingly, the unbeaten away list is much shorter, but both these teams lost at home at some stage – the two teams are Real Bedford and Rugby Town.
Famous Five
With Halifax Town facing Gateshead in the FA Trophy Final this weekend, I thought it was time to look at each town’s five most famous people. Halifax can claim Ed Sheeran, Shirley Crabtree (aka Big Daddy), John Kettley, the weather forecaster, Wilfred Pickles (over 65s may remember ‘Have a go, Joe’ and ‘Give him the money, Mabel’) and Michael Crawford. ‘Ooh Betty’, you might think with that last one; that can’t be right. Well, it is. Michael Crawford, the film producer, was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia.
Gateshead Revisited
So, what sort of five can Gateshead offer? Well, three football connections – Paul Gascoigne, Norman ‘Bite Yer Legs’ Hunter and Lawrie McMenemy. Then, there’s Steve Cram, the 1984 1500 metres Olympic silver medallist. For the fifth, it’s a toss-up between Jill Halfpenny, the Corrie and EastEnders star or Taylor Wane, a porn star who entered the AVN Hall of Fame, no less, in 2005. I think Halifax edge this contest.
Halifax v Gateshead, according to Tripadvisor
Tripadvisor recommends the architecture, art galleries and museums among its top ten things to do in Halifax. Even as you go down to the lower recommendations, there is Cock O’ The North in 12th place (a brewery), Manor Bridge Jungle Experience in 14th and the Vintage Sofa Company in 16th place. Gateshead top ten recommendations seem to involve going to Newcastle or leaving the area altogether, unless you like swing bridges, that is. However, a sofa company in 16th place means that I award this one to Gateshead – and, actually, I quite liked Gateshead when I was there recently.
Clapped out
When I visited Sheppey United a few weeks ago, there was a minute’s applause for a fan who had died recently. I noticed one of the linesmen clapped at a
breathtaking speed, appearing to challenge Dalton Meyer’s world record of 1140 claps in one minute. The other linesman, however, offered no more than a slow handclap, more rhythmic than his colleague but noticeably slow. The referee tried to keep a happy medium, although he appeared to speed up when he saw the lethargic effort of one of his officials. Surely, officials should clap at a standard speed.
Burying the hatchet
It was a sad moment when Bury had to leave the Football League due to crippling debts in August 2019. A phoenix club called Bury AFC was formed and won the North West Counties Football League Division One North in its first season, playing their games at Stainton Park rather than Bury FC’s old ground at Gigg Lane. The good news is that The Football Supporters’ Society of Bury, which owns Gigg Lane, has now voted in favour of a merger with Bury AFC after rejecting the proposal last year. Subject to FA approval, the club will revert to Bury FC. This means the club can aim to return to the Football League, albeit with five promotions needed to achieve that goal.
Final twist
The FA Vase Final between Newport Pagnell Town and Ascot United threw up a couple of fine anagrams. I liked Twang Propellent Now v. Tedious Cant. It’s fair to say Ascot United has too many to mention. Here are some: diocesan tut, dictate onus, discount tea, at seduction, toucan diets and many more. I will not mention the toadies one.
And it’s goodnight from him
So, that’s it for the 2022-23 season. The weekly review will wake up when non-League football comes out of aestivation. Don’t forget that next season, the weekly review is subscription only – just let us know how much we’ve got to pay you to read this drivel, and we’ll sort it out.
