We are back as the friendly season ends!
Welcome to the 2023-24 Non-League season and Review 75. There’s been a friendly or two over recent weeks, but now we get down to the real business. And there’s some big news about this weekly review, but you’ll have to wait another week. Feel free to email any comments and enjoy this week’s offering…
Mangos will not go to Manchester
The FA Cup begins this weekend with 416 teams taking part, meaning that 208 clubs will have their dream of playing in an FA Cup Final at Wembley
destroyed. Mangotsfield United and Royal Wootton Bassett Town meet in this Extra Preliminary Round, having played 181 FA Cup games between them. However, neither club has ever been drawn against a club starting with the same letter. Mangotsfield United can, therefore, forget any hopes of a tie against Man City or Man United, while Royal Wootton Bassett Town can never hope to face Rochdale or Rotherham United.
Cut short
At just nine letters, the FA Cup tie this weekend between Emley and Avro will equal the record for the shortest-named tie in the history of the FA Cup. Avro’s nickname is The Ro. Disappointingly, Emley’s nicknames is not The Em; they prefer to be known as The Pewits.
Getting one step ahead of yourself
Step 8 football is a fairly humble level of non-League football, but I loved a tweet from one club at this level. The club in question attracts attendances of about 30. A young lad wrote to the club asking if they were looking for players. “Yes”, the club secretary replied, “come to our Trials Day on 15th July”. The lad replied, “I’ll check with my agent to see if I am free”. I like it.
Lumbered
Overheard at a pre-season non-League friendly…
Man with cap: Where’s the new lad play?
Man without cap: He’s a wide midfielder.
Man with cap: Yer, looks like he could lose a bit of timber.
Another change
As a young man, I remember the Other family had several children who appeared as stand-ins for various teams. There was Andrew Norman, Anthony Nicholas, Arthur Norbert and too many Others to list. Every club fielded A N Other at some point. Nowadays, Mr & Mrs Trialist’s kids have cornered the market, particularly in pre-season friendlies. A Trialist has appeared for several clubs, while Northampton Town had Trialist A, Trialist B, Trialist C, Trialist D and Trialist E appearing in a friendly against Brackley Town a couple of weeks ago. The Cobblers won 2-1 with goals from the brothers, Eric and Bernie Trialist.
No cheesy strings attached
We have learnt that St Albans City’s ground will no longer be known as the Mozzarella Fellas Stadium as it reverts to plain old Clarence Park Stadium. So, it’s goudabye from Mozzarella Fellas to St Albans City Fetaball Club. I guess when the cameraman took the team photo for the season, he didn’t say, “Say….”
Big Mac and Shakers
One Cup has already been decided for the 2023-24 season, although it was a sort of friendly. It’s the Reborn Cup, which was born in 2023. The Cup aims to feature two clubs that have risen from the dead. This year, it featured Macclesfield Town and Bury. There were no winners, the participants claim, as the game intended to show unity among fans that have suffered in recent years while their clubs have crumbled. The result was a 5-2 win for Macclesfield. Maybe, Everton can take part next season if they finish above 15th in the Premier League.
Total football
I noticed that Needham Market played Holland in a pre-season friendly. The final score was an 8-0 win for Needham Market. I didn’t realise that the
Dutch national team had plummeted so far, even though they have been prone to the odd nightmare result in recent years. What colours do Holland wear? Well, orange, of course. Where do Holland play? At Holland-on-Sea in Essex.
Dissertation
A student at the University of Chichester has compared the value for money of non-League football versus League Football. The University doesn’t give you access to the conclusions, but the student’s thesis gave the pros and cons of non-League and League footy. The thesis doesn’t warrant thousands of words and much effort, though, in my view. Try taking a family of four to see Chelsea, buy them the home and away strip, a couple of burgers and get yourself a pint. Now, do the same thing at a non-League ground. Dissertation finished. It’s worth noting that my spellchecker changed my typo of tmesis abso-bloody-lutely correctly and replaced it with thesis.
Saudi National League
It might be the end of this weekly review as I am moving to Riyadh. I emailed this bloke who runs the Saudi National League side, Al Capone, and told him that I used to play Step 15 football. “That’s a lot of steps”, he replied, “you must be good”. I’ve just signed a £1-million per week contract and will play against Al Metoe next weekend. He forgot to ask my age.
