Disemvowelled teams
There was a recent challenge to find a player or team with no vowels. Two good efforts have landed in a mailbag from Wales. Bwcle v Mynydd Y Fflint is, I think you would agree, a pretty good effort. We now need to find out if either side has a player called Glyn Ng playing for them.
The Milky Bars are on…
The team sheet for Cadbury Heath’s home game v. Bishop Sutton in the Toolstation Western League Division One listed the starting eleven in the usual way. However, the substitutes appeared under the title of ‘Impact Players’. We can only assume that the starting eleven don’t usually make much of an impact. Cadbury Heath’s had the ball 
Nestling in the back of the Bishop Sutton (no apostrophe or ‘s’) net five times on Saturday, running out 5-1 winners. We assume they travelled to the game on a Double Decker.
Cup of soup
The FA is discontinuing FA Cup replays from the 1st Round Proper next season. We can only assume that Emirates, the FA Cup sponsor, might only fly passengers one way in the future. The decision has upset many non-League clubs, which believe valuable revenue opportunities will disappear. There has been no consultation by the FA, who referred to the decision as ‘approvals to changes in the football calendar’. The decision aims to ease the burden on busy Premier League clubs, who need time to enjoy lucrative friendlies in Australia, the Gulf and China. Surely, it would be better only to avoid replays when two Premier League sides meet and award the tie to the lower side if a Premier League club doesn’t fancy a replay against inferior opposition.
Cup runneth over
Congratulations to Coventry City for scoring 23 goals in this season’s FA Cup. However, Cray Valley Paper Mills eclipse that with an outstanding 26 goals in the competition, with Biggleswade managing a creditable 20 goals. Manchester City must put 12 goals past their rivals from United to become this season’s highest FA Cup scorers.
Truro City and Taunton Town
The relegation battle at the foot of the National League South was always tricky to forecast. This was mainly because Truro City and Taunton Town were so far behind with their fixtures after multiple postponements. Truro City managed to clamber up the table to finish comfortably clear despite playing their final games in Gloucester. However, Taunton Town fell five points short of safety as they
stumbled through their final congested programme. Playing nine games in three weeks undoubtedly contributed to Taunton’s downfall. Another week in the season may have saved the Somerset side.
Ton up
The Toolstation EBAC North Counties East League has no fewer than six clubs that have banged away over 100 goals in the League this season. The League has more ton-ups than any other in the top four levels of the Non-League pyramid. The clubs are Beverley Town, Shirebrook Town, Wakefield, Parkgate, Retford United, Wombwell Town and Horbury Town. It won’t surprise you that five clubs have burst through the hundred barrier in the goals-against column. Ollerton Town are heading towards 200. Interestingly, defences reign supreme in Division Two of this League, as only Blyth Town have made it to the Hundred Club.
Number One team
Earlier in the season, we were searching for clubs with numbers in their name. However, there were no low numbers. This weekend, we noticed the One O’Clock Gun FC beat Wallasey Wanderers 4-0 in the final of the Wallasey and District Sunday Football Capitol Cup competition. Appropriately, it took place at a ground 1906 higher than the winners, the home of Cammell Laird 1907 FC. Is there a club with Zero or Nil in its name? Or even a negative number?
Boreham Wood in Borehamwood
I’ve never really understood why the National League team from Borehamwood are called Boreham Wood. Surely, if the club started next to a wood in or around Borehamwood, their name would be Borehamwood Wood. The National League was one of the first Leagues to complete their league programme, resulting in relegation for Boreham Wood, Kidder Minster Harriers, Dor King Wanderers, and Ox Ford City.
Taking the mick
Southern Premier Central League club Mickleover have received a 12-point deduction for fielding an illegible player over several games. The penalty will cost Mickleover the chance of a play-off place. Mickleover will appeal against the deduction, announcing, “the club are in the process of preparing what we believe to be a very strong case to appeal any points deduction”. They added that they would be “making no
announcement” while the case was ongoing, presumably beside the announcement.
Tied house
When a team is called Beer Albion and it is successful, it fully deserves a mention in these columns. The Fishermen, as they are known, play in the Devon Football League and should finish third in their division. Last Saturday, they defeated Hinton 6-0 away from home. As for their colours, we took a look at the club’s website. It would appear they play in traditional fisherman’s gear, a light blue shirt with a tie and navy blue slacks.
Heavens to Murgatroyd
There was an early Bath at Southern League Division One South relegation battle between Exmouth Town and Paulton Rovers. However, it wasn’t a red card early bath. Tom Bath put Exmouth Town ahead, but a late winner from Milo Murgatroyd gave Paulton Rovers an outside chance of surviving the drop. Unfortunately for Rovers, Westbury United won 3-0 at Malvern Town to condemn Paulton Rovers to a lower tier next season. I rather like the name of one of Westbury’s scorers – Harry Flippance, a great name for a striker. Did he turn on a sixpence? And why was it always a sixpence and not a florin, which would still be impressive? So many unanswered questions. I’m off to scratch my head.
