From Hashtag United to Uxbridge
Last season, I started at Hashtag United in FA Trophy 1st Round Qualifying, sticking with the winners of each subsequent tie to the final at Wembley, where Bromley defeated Wrexham 1-0. So, I was curious what would have happened this season if I had started at Hashtag United. Let’s start by saying that Uxbridge is only 10 miles from Wembley Stadium, but where would my travels have taken me?
The Uxbridge Four
The Uxbridge Four might sound like a bunch of criminals, but at least for me, it would have been the number of games I would have seen at Uxbridge. In
the 1st Round Qualifying, Hashtag United lost on penalties to Bedfont Sports, who then lost 2-0 at Uxbridge. Uxbridge then had wins over Walton & Hersham, Wingate & Finchley and Dover Athletic, all at home, before getting beaten 5-1 by Dagenham & Redbridge 5-1. Dag & Red were the ampersand team that undone their run of wins over two other ampersand teams. The Daggers didn’t last much longer as they succumbed to Maidenhead United, who then lost on penalties to FC Halifax Town, one of the finalists when they face Gateshead at Wembley on Sunday, 21st May. I am sure Uxbridge is a great place to be, however, four games at Uxbridge may have been a bit too much of a good thing.
Mulling it over
Wrexham needed to beat Boreham Wood in an early evening kick-off on Saturday to clinch a place back in the Football League after 15 years. It started badly for them as Boreham Wood scored through Lee Ndlovu after 45 seconds. But, Wood’s promising start soon disintegrated. Boreham Wood turned out to have a RUD as Elliot Lee equalised for Wrexham, and prolific striker Paul Mullin scored his 46th and 47th goals of the season to seal promotion.
What’s a RUD?
I forgot to explain what a RUD is. Up and down the country, in the bars of football clubs, what happened to Boreham Wood is being described as RUDs – Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly. My mother used to call this an FTB when I was at school – FTB was Falling to Bits, as in, “Did you fall to bits in that biology exam to get a C minus?” I probably just didn’t do any revision, to be honest.
Hunger pains
Hungerford Town faced Dulwich Hamlet in a vital National League South relegation six-pointer at Bulpit Lane. In the first half, Hungerford’s Louis McGrory collected his second award of the afternoon. After 15 minutes, he received a red card after a nasty challenge; twenty minutes earlier, he had
received the fans’ Player of the Year award. Despite playing with ten men, Hungerford took the lead to give themselves a chance of escaping the drop. Then, chaos ensued. George Porter equalised for Dulwich Hamlet, a player from each side was shown red before George saw red himself. The 1-1 result means that Hungerford Town are relegated, and Hamlet still need a win to ensure safety. You can argue that George really got under Hungerford’s skin, but that’s more Cole Porter than George Porter.
Another RUD?
Redditch United faced Tamworth in the final game of the Southern League Premier Central Division. Tamworth started the afternoon level of points with Coalville Town with a two-goal goal difference advantage. After 52 minutes, Tamworth led 2-0, and Coalville Town led 3-0, making the difference one goal. At that moment, Tamworth scored a third, and Coalville conceded a goal. The scores didn’t change after that, meaning Tamworth are top, while Coalville Town face the playoffs. Tamworth might like to thank another RUD – Redditch United’s defence.
Dropping like a stone
The Stones of Maidstone United played their final home game of the season in the National League against Notts County. Next season, they will be returning to the National South after finding it a tough season following last season’s promotion. They will drop with Yeovil Town, who played in the Championship nine years ago, and Scunthorpe United. Torquay United are almost certainly the fourth club relegated from the National League after losing a 2-1 lead at Altrincham in the 89th minute. That makes four former Football League clubs making the drop.
Howling Swans
More ampersand news. As Walton & Hersham went into stoppage time with a 2-1 lead at Thatcham Town, the Swans, laden with that ampersand, were on course for promotion to the Southern League Premier Division. Then, substitute Ashley Howell equalised, a goal which cost W&H automatic promotion.
The result meant that Basingstoke Town grabbed the top spot, thanks to two converted penalties by Brad Wilson and a third goal by George Reid. The Basingstoke fans may have been tutting earlier when the home side let in Sam Tutt to give Basingstoke’s visitors, South Park, the lead, but, in the end, they could exclaim, “Oh my God, they’ve killed Kenny”.
The Cray twins
Cray Valley Paper Mills faced Sheppey United in the final game of the Isthmian League South East Division. As games neared completion, the winners of the match would make it to the playoffs, and the losers would fail. With six minutes left, Sheppey United led 1-0, but two goals in five minutes put Cray Valley PM ahead, giving Cray Valley PM the playoff place. However, five minutes into stoppage time, Sheppey United equalised, which means neither team makes the playoffs, as the final spot goes to Hythe Town. Maybe, RUD means really useless draw.
Manchester news: United set to play at San Siro
No, we’re not referring to Manchester United – as if they would be playing at the San Siro this season. We’re referring to FC United of Manchester, who are one win away from defending the Fenix Trophy in June at the San Siro. The other definite semi-final qualifier of this international non-League tournament is KSK Beveren from East Flanders in Belgium. If KSK were to meet Walton & Hersham, it would be a reunion for Flanders & Swans. The other semi-final places depend on qualifying games in May. Prague Raptors or AFC DWS from Amsterdam will likely qualify from Group B, while FK Miljakovac from Serbia may well clean up in Group C. AFC DWS stands for Door Wilskracht Sterk, which loosely translates as Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly. At least, that’s what I’m told. More Really Utter Dross next week.
